Top Ten Section 1
"Ways Things at the White House Are Different When Hillary Is Away"
10. New sign: "If this Oval Office is rockin', don't bother
9. White House pool filled to brim with Jack Daniels.
8. Clinton's pants fly at half mast.
7 Huge kitchen fire when President attempts to microwave
30 pizzas at once.
6. Lincoln Bedroom full of hookers wearing top hats and
5. South Lawn suddenly strewn with cars up on blocks.
4. White House renamed "Senor Bubba's Casa del Amor."
3. Bill can finally indulge his passion for uncooked bacon.
2. Every night, several rounds of "Oval Office Grab-Ass."
1. Three words: inflatable Betsy Ross.
"Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines"
10. "Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?"
9. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse."
8. "Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar
7. "You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the
Nerds' on laser disk."
6. "Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft."
5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making
billions of dollars."
4. "How would you like to be my human laptop?"
3. "So, who do I make the check out to?"
2. "I beat Michael Jackson for the title of World's Richest
1. "I control the internet -- want to surf me?"
"Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if a College Student
10. New Constitutional Amendment: Parents legally required to
do your laundry.
9. Every Thursday night: Quarters with Janet Reno.
8. President buys state of the Union Address from classified ad
in back of Rolling Stone Magazine.
7. Federal disaster relief available for bad attack of "The
6. North Dakota sold to Canada for a few cases of Molson.
5. Red Phone in Oval Office has direct line to Dominos.
4. Air Force One replaced with really bitchin' van.
3. Mount Rushmore is now: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson,
Roosevelt, and Jenny McCarthy.
2. World Leader Summit rescheduled because President slept
late and "blew it off".
1. Secretary of State: Carrot Top.
"Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Awards"
10. "Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey, me too!"
9. "You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not in Central
8. "That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr. Letterman."
7. "George Strait? That's not what I hear..."
6. "Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the punch bowl."
5. "And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to: Kenny Rogers' beard."
4. "Look out! Cow in the mosh pit!"
3. "Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to Leann Rimes."
2. "That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton!"
1. "I've gotta take a grand ole leak."
"Least Popular College Football Team Nicknames"
10. The Fighting Oprahs
9. The Fumble Bunnies
8. The Really, Really Wide Loads
7. The Nittany Poodles
6. The Trouser Pilots
5. The Career-Ending Knee Injuries
4. The Drunken Swedes
3. The Gorgeous Ladies of Football
2. The Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping Presidents
1. The Philbins